I'm not entirely defeated, I'm just having a moment

In another attempt to delay the microbiology homework at hand, I return to my blog. 

I've officially entered my last semester in what has turned out to be the longest undergraduate college career in history.  The reality of the situation has hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks:  eight years and tens of thousands of dollars later, I have earned (or will, if I can survive the final semester) the equivalent of a high school diploma.  My original plan--finish the Physician Assistant graduate program in outstanding fashion and go on to save poor starving people in third world countries--doesn't seem very likely at this stage of the game.  Who knew at the start of my education journey that upon completion I'd be old and just barely holding together a household with two much more opinionated children?  Damn you, blind optimism...

I've been told flexibility is important for survival--which goes against every let's-make-a-plan-and-stick-to-it fiber of my being.  So, in the name of personal growth, I've reevaluated where I'm at and where I'm going...and I've decided that I'm packing my bags and moving to Portland.  Possibly Seattle.  My backup plan is to attend Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and complete a master's program in epidemiology.  Possibly infectious disease.  I'm equally optimistic about either plan...

I'm neurotic today because...
The countdown to graduation has begun...118 days, 22 hours, 54 minutes, and 1 second (seriously, I'm counting) until I don the cap and gown and drag across the stage at Johnny Unitas Stadium the shell of what used to be a highly motivated overachiever.  

For My Running Partner, JB

I'm not sure whether it's naivety or narcissism that leads me to believe I can do whatever I want.

Yesterday I completed my first half-marathon, 13.1 miles.  Was I the fastest?  Not by a long shot.  Did I run the whole race?  Nope, I took a five minute walking break.  But with very little training, I ran--albeit slowly--nearly 13 miles.  And I cheered myself 100 feet into the race because I had officially gone further than my uncle Greg could (so he says).

As I was chugging along, I began thinking of how running a marathon is much like childbirth.

First of all, you must breathe through the pain and pressure.  Accessing your quiet place is a must.  Granted, I had my share of doubts going into the race.  I knew I was ill-prepared.  I mentally listed all the reasons why this could end in disaster.  What if I trip from exhaustion and sprain an ankle?  What if I stroke out from dehydration?  What if I have bathroom issues from nerves or my donut breakfast?  It wasn't until about mile 3 that I actually began believing I was not going to die in this foolish attempt to prove something to myself.

Secondly, much like childbirth, you have difficulty walking the next day.  And sitting?  Forget about it.  I have muscle pain in muscles I didn't know existed before today.  I'm choosing to believe that even the young bodies needed an ice-down...just like childbirth, you need those Tucks medicated pads no matter how old you are when you push that watermelon of a kiddo through your hoo-ha.

In both childbirth and marathon running, sometimes you poo yourself.  It's true, I've seen pictures.  This was a real, totally unfounded concern for me going into this race.  I have a stomach of steel....there was absolutely no reason for me to believe I would have a problem.  But still, I had visions of the sag wagon scraping my humiliated carcass off the pavement and delivering me to a victorious running partner awaiting me at the finish line.  Regardless, I took a huge gamble going into mile 6 and snatched up one of those energy gel packs at the water station.  My only other experience using them actually did cause severe stomach cramping.  This is how arrogant I was feeling about half way through this race.  I took the chance and sucked down that green apple gel like it would cause me to sprout wings and fly over the finish line.

I can't explain how, despite never running more than 5 miles, I ran nearly the entire half-marathon.  I discovered a new part of me...someone who can focus so intently on accomplishing one single goal that she can ignore all the self-imposed doubts and totally unfounded neuroses.  Sure, I didn't post the best time.  I wasn't even close to being middle of the pack (because mediocre is usually my goal).  But running the half marathon is something I did solely for me...to prove I could.  So whether I'm naive or narcissistic, I'm going to continue to do whatever my little heart desires...because I can.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I forgot the pain with my first sip of post-race beer.  Much like childbirth.

I Should've Probably Thought About This Before Now

It occurred to me today while sitting in BIOL 408: Cell Biology that I really could give a frick about cell biology.  I mean, really.  Cisternae in mitochondria?  Who cares?  Western blots, Northern blots, Southern blots, Eastern blots, blah blah blahts.  This is, of course, perfect timing to check out mentally, considering I'm just one microbiology class away from earning a Bachelor of Science degree in--you guessed it--cell and molecular biology.


I've reached an interesting point in the program, actually.  There are those people, like my new found friend Ryan, who are serious brainiacs (and ipso facto, make me feel slightly retarded in comparison).  This dude is that kid in high school you hated because he got straight A's without doing any work.  I, however, forgive him for being obnoxiously intelligent because he brings me coffee every class.  Plus, he's entertaining.  For instance, when we had to get up in front of the class to present a diagram, he pulled up a circa-1998 jock jams song on his iPhone and sashayed to the podium, so as to make a "proper entrance".  He's also been known to have Tourette's-like outbursts of "I'mabout to make a scene!" or "I know that's right!".  Tonight during a fellow classmate's journal presentation, he busted out, "I'mabout  to knock that gum right outta her mouth!".

Which brings me to the second type of student:  the Idiot.

Thank sweet Jebus for the Idiot, really, because without them I'd probably cry myself to sleep.  I do think it's more than slightly shameful for a senior in college to lack the skills required for an oral presentation.  Yes, sweetheart, you look adorable in your little Ugg boots and freshly bleached hair, but power point slides are meant for bullet points, not the entire journal.  If I wanted to read the journal, I would, well...read the journal.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I can't wait to graduate college, be tens of thousands (!) of dollars in debt, and find a career only slightly related to the BS degree it took me 8 years to earn.  (At least 8...I lost track.)

Physics Will Solve Itself

If ever you receive $200 worth of speeding tickets in one night and find yourself *not* angry, you know you're in a good place.

It's not that I have an extra $200 laying around to fork over to the state of Maryland, but it seems silly to be upset (about being penalized for something for which I'm totally guilty) when I have so much Awesomeness in my life.  Sure, I could (and do) spend time complaining about my miserable 9-5, or the classwork I rarely understand, or the constant challenges of motherhood (or as I like to refer to it, Just-Survive-The-Next-Ten-Years-Without-Major-Catastrophe), but it's important, I think, to just visit Misery...don't take up permanent residence.

Goddess of Universal Compassion

Life is hard.  And interesting.  And complicated.  And beautiful.  I say, if you need to cry, cry.  If you're angry, be angry.  If you're joyful, scream it from the proverbial mountaintop.  Own your emotions.  Allow yourself to be wherever you are...but then let tomorrow be a new day.

Have compassion for others and do good work...and believe good things will come full circle (see: Tara.)  I've been blessed with friends who accept me in all my nerdy, neurotic glory; I have siblings who are my best friends; I have children who respect and admire me, despite my many, many flaws; I have parents who unconditionally and enthusiastically support all the things I get myself into; and I constantly have new people come into my life to show me the value in slowing down, enjoying quiet moments, and focusing on all the Awesomeness of Life.

Be these things to other people, and allow the people in your life to be these things for you.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I have spent the greater part of two hours sipping coffee, philosophizing,  and revamping the blog layout.  I suppose physics will solve itself.

Here's to a long, snowy Baltimore winter!

I almost lost my life yesterday...and I'm being only slightly dramatic.

A dusting of snow blew through the Baltimore area yesterday, ushering in with it the first round of panicked winter drivers. Poor planning and procrastination landed me at Target just as the skies began to go gray in anticipation of the impending fluffy (flooofy) stuff. Twenty minutes and $145 later, I evacuated Target and started the ten minute trek home.

An hour and a half later, I was still sitting on York Road. Generally speaking, I don't get upset about traffic. First of all, I rarely sit in traffic; secondly, the road was slick, so why be angry? We're all in the same boat, right? So I took the extra time in my car as an opportunity to Shazam some new songs from the radio. No big deal. And the fact that I rarely clean out my car means I could survive for weeks, if need be, from the contents of my trunk. (I have junk in my trunk, if you will.) So let there be a blizzard for all I care.

And then Angry Man in the Suburban arrived. I was creeping along in an endless procession of cars, enjoying my one-woman concert, when a very large Suburban-type vehicle decided to attempt a merger where no merger existed. Entering from my left, the mammoth truck approached my car and stopped within a foot or so of my driver side door...and in the process, blocked two lanes of traffic attempting to pass in the opposite direction. Confused, I spent the next five minutes (because, again, no one was moving) trying to determine what he wanted--behind me? in front of me? I just had no idea because his maneuver was just that asinine.

Of course, I chose wrong. Using my common sense (I can't move forward or backward), a little rough math (he was a smidgen too close), and the physics I just earned an A with (forces acting on a mammoth object on an incline plane), I decided he needed to merge behind me. There was no way he was making it in the space in front of me, even if he wanted to...which, based on his next move, he did. The two feet I finally moved forward prompted the most INSANE display of road rage to which I have ever bore witness:

"You [expletive] idiot! You [expletive] idiot! You should've let me go! Aw, shut up, you [expletive] stupid [expletive]! I can't believe you, you stupid [expletive]!"

Not only was the man screaming at me, he put his car in park, braved the 27 degree weather, and advanced in my direction to do so. I definitely saw the vein pulsating on his forehead, his crazy eyes glaring at me as he planned my slow painful death. I attempted to reason with the man, starting to explain that according to my calculations, there was no way he could even fit in the space in front of me...but then he called me a stupid [expletive], so I just shrugged my shoulders and ignored him. I figured if he did decide to kill me over two feet, there were enough witnesses to testify that he, indeed, could not fit in front of me.

So, yeah, that was the amazing start to my favorite season of the year. And this story took front seat to my story of accidentally walking into the men's room at the movie theater, and my account of accidentally forgetting which house was my friend's, ringing the wrong doorbell, and waking up a 90 year old man in the process.

I'm neurotic today because....
...after Angry Man in the Suburban merged behind me, I demonstrated my good will by allowing every car I possibly could to merge in front of me. Yeah, it made my drive longer...but it also made my point.

Stop. Blogger time.

A big part of working with the public is giving the appearance that everything is honky-dory, even when it isn't. I am essentially being paid to talk thirty-five times a day about the weather, grind some toenails, and send our patient's on their way with a coke and a smile. (Hold the coke.) Based on this week's performance, it is official that I suck at pretending. I have, in fact, been yelled at by more old people in the past two days than I care to count.

Interestingly, an irate 80 year old is the least of my problems.

Parenting, as it turns out, is by far my most difficult job. I can predict the 3-D structure of a protein or recite the Kreb's Cycle by heart, but I haven't the slightest clue how to keep my son's school binder organized. I can be the receptionist, the surgical coordinator, the medical assistant, the billing department, and the office manager concurrently, but (short of a cattle prod) I can't seem to expeditiously motivate my daughter from her bed each morning.

Now that my children are growing older, the task of parenting has become exponentially harder. They're expressing themselves, or not, however and whenever they deem appropriate. They test boundaries. They make me profoundly proud...and, at times, make me absolutely insane. As new pre-teen (gasp!) issues arise, I find myself questioning where, exactly, this roller coaster ride called motherhood will land me. Adolescent issues are big time game changers. When do I, as an overly-concerned-more-than-slightly-neurotic parent, step back and allow them to work things out on their own? Certainly, part of becoming an adult is dealing with what life deals you. But isn't it our motherly instinct to swoop in and smack all the bad guys upside their ignorant little heads (or is that just me?). Changing poopy diapers and teaching manners was so much easier.

I know this too shall pass. After all, I never thought I would make it through "The Talk"...but, low and behold, I found myself this summer pulling off an impromptu lock-and-key metaphor that not only surprised the heck out of me, but explained the birds and the bees so well that Meghan gasped in disgust over her own conception. It is moments like those, oddly enough, that really drive home how lucky I am to have the children I do. There are not many homes where sex education becomes a family discussion in which everyone actively and openly participates. (I could write a book about our dinner conversations.)

Maybe what we should do as parents is give ourselves a break and stop expecting perfection. Good kids will find their way.

Right?

I'm neurotic today because...
...countless hours of research, twenty-two phone calls, three missed classes, two parent-teacher conferences, and a partridge in a pear tree. 'Nough said.

My [Most Recent] Worst Week Ever

I smelled it as soon as I walked into the house. Could it be? Could it really be?

This week was the [most recent] Worst Week Ever. Also, my [most recent] mid-life crisis. I'd like to be one of those people who handle stress so well that you'd never know something was the matter. Unfortunately, I wear my emotions like a Mike Tyson tattoo.

On Monday, I walked into my Physics class in my usual manner--sweaty and winded from the hike across campus--to find everyone already started on an extra-credit problem. I had several issues with this scenario. First, it was Monday morning at exactly 9:01am, for Pete's sake. Seriously. I hadn't even finished my second cup of coffee, which is, of course, the one that actually helps me function for trigonometry at 9:01am. I hurried to the last row with an open seat, only to have to wait for the two geniuses on either side of the desk to move their belongings within their own space. Tick, tock. My second issue with this nonsense: we had a three minute timer on the problem. I was watching my one percent exam grade bonus tick away. I finally sat down, dug out a pencil and my electronic answer-thingy, just in time to be forced to enter any answer, a WRONG answer...because, of course, the question also counted as attendance for the day. I should've known it was going to be a long week.

After Physics lab finished at 1pm (yes, FOUR hours of Physics), I headed to work. I walked through the door--didn't even put down my backpack, eat, or pee--and was immediately bombarded with the drama of the morning. "Shelly is sick, you have to cover the desk, the phones were crazy all morning, I'm so overwhelmed, oh my goodness...." Awesome. I was so frustrated by the end of the day, that when the sun visor in my car decided it didn't want to stay in the upright position (due to the SEVERE shaking and thumping of the broken wheel bearing), I punched it....and broke off the clip that [should have] held it in place.

Tuesday evening I have class beginning at 5:30pm. Luckily, I finish work around 4pm...which gives me just enough time to do absolutely nothing. I left work promptly at 4pm and entered the parking garage at my usual entrance. Typically, I drive to an upper level where a) there are more open parking spaces, and b) I'll remember where I parked. This particular Tuesday, however, I came upon an open spot very close to the building, so I took it. I proceeded to put down my windows, turn off my car, and call the auto shop. My car has been shaking and thumping for quite some time, and I finally had the name and number for a reliable and reasonably priced mechanic. I scheduled drop off for my car for Friday and hung up. I began collecting my books from the passenger seat, reached up to turn the ignition so I could close the windows, and...nothing. My car was dead. I literally hung up from the auto mechanic two seconds earlier, and my car just died. I still had the phone in my hand! That. Just. Happened.

I called Samantha and, after some venting, decided I would contact her after class to attempt a jump-start. After I Googled "How To Jump Start A Car", and what I believe to be a valiant, albeit failed, effort to do so, we decided to drive to the towing company and/or mechanic. On the way, I telephone my insurance agent to check road side coverage...only for my phone to cut out mid-call and flash red I'm-Going-To-Die-Any-Minute. To make a long story a little shorter, I spoke to the mechanic who assured me he would get the car out of the parking area tomorrow and into the garage for inspection. Until then, it was stranded unlocked and windows-down in Towson overnight.

The next day, I received an email from Towson University regarding my school loans. Panicked, I called the Financial Aid office. As the young lady accessed my information, my cell phone rang--the mechanic. So, Financial Aid on one ear and the auto mechanic on the other...

--Yes, due to a clerical error, one of your school loans has been rescinded.
--Your battery has been leaking acid everywhere...it needs replaced, along with all the wires connecting it to the car.
--Apparently, you were entered as a full-time student, but our records now indicate you are three-quarter time.
--The wheel bearing is so bad that the only thing holding your wheel to your car are the lug nuts.
--You owe Towson University $1500, due immediately.
--I can fix everything for you, but you're looking at $800-900, easy. And I wouldn't be surprised if there was more damage with that wheel bearing, as bad as it is.

While I realize none of these things are life-threatening serious, it was pretty overwhelming for one week. I must have looked pretty rough by the end of the day, because even my deli lady was concerned. To top it all off, this is what Enterprise gave me for a rental:

What about this car says Sheila?

I'm neurotic today because...
...after everything this week, the smell of an entire pot of burnt chili sent me over the edge tonight.

My Backpack Just Doesn't Excite Me Like It Used To

If summer was a movie, this would be the part where I stare off pensively as a video montage regurgitates not-so exciting highlights over a melodramatic alt-rock soundtrack.

Generally speaking, I've been a lazy bum this summer. Outside of a handful of volunteer days, I didn't mark anything off my to-do list. As a result, the past two weeks of school preparation have been bananas. I decided to organize myself using a Google calendar, which is big news for someone as anal retentive and old school as myself. The upside, I'm organized and color coded. The downside, seeing my life in technicolor has made me slightly more anxious than usual. And when I say slightly, I mean I check the calendar incessantly to be sure I didn't accidentally delete something and/or to determine whether I'm supposed to be somewhere I'm not. My track record with all things electronic is not exactly stellar, and I no longer have the mental capacity to remember everything I'm supposed to do in a day. Nonetheless, the schedule is uploaded, bookbags are packed, and pencils sharpened.

And then the earthquake threw us literally and figuratively for a loop. Of all things I thought I'd live through, earthquake is not one of them. I should be thankful, really. Finally, I have weather related small-talk to discuss with my patients other than "it's not the heat, it's the humidity". And then, of course, there were the aftershocks.

Okay, so the only aftershock I actually felt was the one caused when my 98 year old patient farted on me as I transferred him from his wheelchair to the treatment chair. Oh, what an aftershock it was! Much like the earthquake, I wasn't sure what was happening at first. I recall looking around in disbelief, not only with regard to the volume of his flatulence, but also the duration. I'm fairly certain he rattled the windows. A little warning would've been nice...I think my mouth was open.

It's okay. You can laugh. Farts are still funny, even if you're grown.

I feel robbed by Hurricane Irene. Our winds weren't even strong enough to uproot the tree in my front yard, under which I eagerly parked my car. What does a girl have to do to get some car-totalling damage around here? All night I watched the storm creep up the coast, willing it to knock over that tree onto my car. But nooooo. Of course not. All that has amounted to the storm is a leaf-littered front yard and two days (and counting) off school.

I'm neurotic today because...

...tomorrow I begin another three month stretch with the Jersey Shore kids.

Does thinking count as exercise?

Recently on Facebook, I made the following statement: "It's amazing how much doesn't get done when you just don't try". I promptly removed the post, in fear that it might be misinterpreted as some grand political or philosophical statement. In reality, I was just observing my profound laziness.

Side note: The overthink-after-posting delete is a move I practice with some regularity, actually. The force is so unyielding that I have, at times, had to remove my sleep mask, trek upstairs, and restart my computer just to remove something that, at first thought, was witty with just a dash of brilliant, but under the cool, dark pressure of my brand new anti-migraine beaded eye mask, whispers to me of reader misconception. It is not that I care whether anyone agrees with what I think; it is just that if they do loathe me, I'd rather they do it based on what I really meant, not for what I didn't communicate effectively.

Last week was the first of two children-are-away-mommy-wants-to-play weeks. Sure, I had grand plans for the week. I printed my half-marathon training program and tacked the schedule purposefully to my she-cave wall. Finally, I thought, I will have the ability to run as long as I want, as often as I want. I could go make nice with the fine folks over at the MAC, who so graciously send me emails to remind me it has been a few weeks since they've seen me. (Okay, so it's probably been a few months...I simply stopped checking their emails.) Alas, my muscles were all a-twitter with excitement.

And so began the excuses.

Monday. Well, Monday was a long, difficult day at work. I would like to state for the record that fungal toenails are not a life threatening medical emergency, and calling me twelve times a day to regurgitate the latest .com article you read on innovative topical treatments is not only unnecessary, but also makes me want to send Guido a-knockin'. Needless to say, I was not able to come home over the lunch hour to allow my dog a bathroom break, so going straight home was really the responsible thing to do, right? Long story short, I ate my nutritious and delicious chicken tender dinner in front of The Daily Show On Demand and did a whole lot of nothing. Seriously, how do single people keep from going to sleep at 7pm? I laid down just to "let my food settle" and I passed out. The house was so quiet, my belly was so full, and it just felt right. Tuesday evening was much of the same, this time telling myself that it's okay to be a little lazy every once and a while...after all, I'm so busy the rest of the year, of course I should take a few days to do nothing. I gave myself half credit for Wednesday, though, since I actually drove by the gym on my way home from work...although I had no real intention of going inside, and only took that route to avoid the unusually crazy beltway drivers.

Side note: I would like some sort of sign language system to communicate to my fellow 83 North drivers that it is not okay to do any of the following:
1. Drive whilest you talk on your cell phone (tchyellow, it's illegal in Maryland now, folks), smoke a cigarette, shift your car, and simultaneously cut me off...unless you plan to hit me hard enough to total my car, but not so hard as to kill me.
2. Apply makeup and/or read your daily paper while driving.
3. Drive with earbuds in both ears.
4. Cut over three lanes of traffic without establishing yourself in each lane, and without a blinker to indicate you intend to perform such a maneuver, especially if you drive an 18 wheeler.
I would like the gesture to be less offensive than the middle finger because, frankly, I just don't feel good about myself after I release that crooked digit from it's holster. Also, I don't necessarily want to say f*#@ you, I just want to say, "Your behaviour is very, very unsafe, and I would appreciate if you made a few modifications...for everyone's safety, mkay?"

Thursday was trivia night (not to mention that the extreme heat made simply breathing a Herculean task), so exercise was bumped yet again from my evening agenda. Funny thing about trivia night...I apparently suck. Not just a little bit, either. Outside of the green pie questions, I knew nada. Even when the moderator threw me a bone with an anatomy question, I bombed. (The trachea connects the esophagus to the lungs, by the way, not the pharynx.) It was quite the blow to the intellectual ego, let me tell you.

Friday night was migraine night because, well, why not? At this rate, I should have my beach body by....ooooh, next summer. Hello bathing suit mom-skirt cover up, here I come.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I received a strongly worded letter from my landlord indicating that I need to get off my lazy hindparts and take care of the weeds in the lawn. Whoopsies.

Silent Ph, as in phthisis

My recent return to Philthadelphia was slated to be an early highlight of summer. It was the culmination of an amazing seven day, three concert run, which started with my second row view of Death Cab and continued through an amazing hail-encrusted Mumford & Sons jamfest.

Ever eager, Samantha and I took the day off work to head up early. Our first stop was Tony Luke's for a cheese steak, a la Adam Richman's recommendation. I forgot the fact that I was sitting in what had the ambiance of a Bikram-inspired tractor trailer parking lot when I took the first bite. Hands down, the best cheese steak to date. The wax lined wrapper created a little au jus puddle that I would've lapped up, puppy style. Ah, Philthy was on it's way to redemption!

Next stop, Philadelphia Museum of Art. Again, beautifully done, Philthy! A lovely water fountain statue spritzing local bathing suit-clad youngsters. Bronze Rocky with his disproportionately long arms outstretched in victory. A well-placed wedding party snapping photos on the front steps. It was here that I began to believe that my first trip through this famed city was truly a fluke. True, I don't get contemporary art. Who decides that a Brillo pad box deserves it's own spotlight? A broken snow shovel suspended from the ceiling? A crayon signature directly written on the wall? Nevertheless, I had hope for Philthy.

Off to the Mann! Our only other experience with The Mann Center for the Performing Arts was a mind-blowing Arcade Fire show that sparked an impromptu two day scramble for tickets to the next Arcade Fire show later the same week...which, in turn, produced pit tickets...which, in turn, resulted in catching a drum stick in the front row...which, in turn, inspired the greatest Christmas gift ever. Therefore, The Mann Center is solely responsible for a profound amount of awesomeness.

This time, not so much. We arrived early to grab food, beverages, and whatnot. Borrowing from previous experience, we parked along the street just outside the venue. As we packed our belongings into the trunk, a woman began shouting in my general direction from the adjacent street corner.

"Who playin' tonight?!"
"Um, Bright Eyes?"
"Who!?"
"Bright Eyes!"
"Oh. Is that all?!"
"Um, there is an opener, but I don't know who!"

And then she turned away to chat with the very large gentleman beside her. Maybe I've lived near the Murder Capital of the World too long, but for a good long while I thought, oh my goodness...they're going to steal my car while we're at the concert. This neighborhood was significantly less appealing than the area surrounding the art museum. I posed the question to Sam, but she seemed less convinced. We headed out, and as my car became smaller in the distance, I resolved I would not worry. After all, they could have my car...all I really cared about was my iPod in the storage compartment. Of course it was safe there. No burglar would think to look in the storage compartment for valuables. Nah.

As our evening progressed, two themes emerged.

One, Philthadelphia was no more. We took our seats, mid-section, stage right. They were decent seats, so I was pretty stoked. As the show began, Samantha and I started to rise from our chairs in pure, unbridled, child-like excitement....only to be stifled by the abject lameness surrounding us. Poor Sam! She counted the days to this show as if it were Christmas Day itself, and now, bound by chains of lameocity, she was confined to her seat for the entirety of the show. Never before have I experienced a crowd so unresponsive to the entertainers. Everyone just sat there. No singing along, no dancing. Just polite clapping after each song, followed by nothing. Sing monkey, sing! The band sounded amazing, don't get me wrong. Conor belted out the entirety of the new album with his signature heart-wrenching delivery. The only explanation I could give for the distracting behaviour of my fellow concert-goers was that they didn't know the new album. Still, lame. It's been out for a few months now. Get with the program, people. In the name of you, text-message-and/or-sit-unresponsive-through-the-entire-bright-eyes-concert-goer, I rename your city PhLAMEadelphia. (It may be a stretch, but I'm going for it.)

The second theme of the night was less music related. As in, not related whatsoever. Over and over I saw really ordinary looking girls with amazing looking dudes. What is up with that?! I'm ordinary, where's my supermodel? In fact, look up 'average' in Webster's and you'll find my picture. It's true, I haven't felt myself lately. I've completely lost my mojo, in fact. If ever you find yourself repeatedly rejected by computer geeks, you know you're not at the top of your game.

So, staying true to my neurosis, I blamed my hair. I had been letting it grow longer in order to pull it into a pony tail while training for my races this summer. But clearly it was time to make a choice--the hair or my mojo.

You know you have a bad haircut when people simply say, "Oh, you got your haircut". Period. Just a statement of fact. I joke, in an attempt to make me feel less retarded. "Yes, all of them."

So much for my mojo.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I've converted my entire wardrobe to brown to match my brown Kangol...the only hat that I can wear without people mistaking me for a boy.

I think November is open, if you're free

In the past 42 days, I
ran--without stopping--my first official 5K race;
completed--without drowning--my first dragon boat race;
crowned myself Warrior Dash champion of the world;
enjoyed three concerts in seven days, nearly dying from hail wounds during one of them;
ran/walk roughly 827 miles, give or take a marathon, during Relay For Life;
and helped stuff books into 50,000 backpacks.

In the past 42 days, I've learned
a little determination and an immense fear of embarrassing yourself will help you finish pretty much anything;
when you work to the best of your ability and remain true to yourself, you inadvertently become the standard by which people measure awesomeness;
sometimes you just need to relax and let the mud go where the mud wants to go,
nothing soothes the soul like great music with amazing friends;
your family will always hold your hand and walk the mile beside you;
the greatest satisfaction in life comes when your son puts his hand on yours and says, "You're a good leader".

I'm neurotic today because...
...these old bones survived with flying colors the past month and a half...except for the front of my elbow, which mysteriously became immobile yesterday.

We Will Return to the Regularly Scheduled Baffoonery After This Brief Message From My Serious Side

Here's the thing. I like you, you like me. We should probably get together and do some good.

And here's another thing. It is really difficult to get other people as impassioned about something as you are...especially when it does not involve winning the lottery.

I'm not sure what has come over me lately. I have become a highly motivated do-good machine. If not for the fact that it is fiscally irresponsible of me, I would to quit my job to volunteer. Even with my microbiology degree within grasp, I'm eager to put myself further into education-induced financial crisis in graduate school, just to be able to officially help people who really need me. Probably more than anything, I have to physically restrain myself from beating the Bmore Involved page upside each and every one of my facebook friend's cyber-heads.

Perhaps it has been all the long soul-searching chats that Forrest and I have had lately. (He's sporting the Warrior helmet, btw. Quite dashing, I must say.)

I have so much more than I need, really. I'm a spoiled suburban brat, to be quite honest. How fortunate I am to live in a country that affords me such liberties! And yet, there are children literally down the street from me who have families that are either unwilling or unable to care for them. There are men and women living on park benches in the city, sweltering in the summer heat. The list is endless. (This is Baltimore--we need help.)

I like that I am a bit of a dreamer. I do believe wholeheartedly that if everyone gave just a little of their time in service to someone else that the world would be a whole lot better. You don't have to be smarter or more talented or more ambitious than anyone else; you just have to be willing to make time to fill a need. I believe we can affect positive change, however small, in the lives of those around us.

There is a fine line in asking people to give time they don't have. My over-eager pleas for involvement could cross into Obnoxiousville very quickly, this I know. Please know that I only hope that each person finds something in their lives to be impassioned about, and that you use what you have, to do the most you can, to the best of your ability.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I'm determined, come hell or high water, to live up to the most gracious compliment I've ever received. Thank you so much for your public display of affection this week, family.

You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
Kahlil Gibran

My Weekend Getaway to (Up)Chucktown

The Original Cheesy Chicken Sandwich from Sticky Fingers in Charleston, SC is so delicious that I would drive the 10 hours and 8 minutes south just to devour one. That is a true story.

It was the case several weeks ago, however, that said OCCS was the icing on my proverbial weekend getaway cake. Well, sort of. It ended up being the only thing I kept down in 24 hours...so I guess it was more like hitting the proverbial duodenal lottery.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I should mention that my weekend getaway just happened to fall on the weekend before finals. In my defense, I carried my genetics textbook and notes along for the ride. In theory, I had plenty of time to study, as my outgoing flight from BWI was delayed by three hours. Yeah, I said in theory. I did open the book...as I sipped my Corona, gnashed on my nachos, and people watched for three hours.

I arrived in Charleston around 11:30pm, exhausted and slightly grumpy. I rented a car and took an unintentional hour-long detour through Charleston suburbs on the way to my evening accommodations. It is amazing to me how dependent I've become on my GPS. I'm literally and figuratively lost without it.

I was told that when I arrived at my friend's house, I would be greeted by an overly friendly black lab. Do not be alarmed, I was told. The door is unlocked, go in and let her out to pee. Mkay, no problem. I can handle dogs that jump and lick (clearly, if you've ever been to my house). Squinting through the downpour of rain on the poorly lit street, I arrive at what I believe to be the correct house. After checking the mailbox number against the house number against the directions I stored in my text message, oh, six or seven times, I proceed inside. Bag in hand, I stand just inside the threshold, waiting to be annihilated by the killer dog.

Nothing. The house is, in fact, eerily quiet.

I quietly tip-toe outside to the mailbox again and re-check the house number against my message...and against the house number, you know, just in case something changed in the two minutes I was inside. I text messaged my friend to confirm. Are you sure you live here? Yes, he assured me. Back inside I go. This time, after roughly 30 seconds inside the doorway, a black lab strolls down the stairs, glances in my direction, stretches and yawns. I text my friend again. Are you sure I'm at the right house? (I can only imagine, in retrospect, how much my neurosis is misunderstood by these laid back southern natives.)

The rest of the evening is a blur, but I can tell you this: there was a run-in with a rodent, which cost me any sleep I might have enjoyed. I remember not freaking out, as would be my normal response to such an event, but simply shaking my head and mumbling, "Of course there will be a mouse in my room". He was a mean-spirited mouse, too. He didn't just scoot across the floor; he tormented me. I do believe I saw a tiny little smirk on his tiny little mouse face. What a jerk. Needless to say, I laid on the edge of the bed with the light on the entire night. Around 4am I gave up and got dressed.

I was invited down to lovely Chucktown by my former co-workers to participate in the Charleston Dragon Boat Races. The event was set up Dave-Matthews-tailgate-style along the Ashley River. It was a perfect weather day, and the fine people of Charleston were pumped up, to say the least. The very real possibility of death-by-drowning (I can't swim, especially in a current), and the fact that I had never rowed a dragon boat in my life, did not remotely affect the fact that I was totally stoked to be there.

My first heat was late morning, and the current was strong. After an abbreviated dragon boat 101 lesson, I filed down to the pier with my group and boarded our boat. Apparently in dragon boat races, it is important to balance your boat, left-to-right side. I sat very still as our boat nearly tipped over, mumbling, "Of course we'll fall in the water my first time ever inside a dragon boat". Alas, our steerer (who apparently has a vested interest in the future of our boat) saved our lives, but not without stern condemnation...something along the lines of, "What is wrong with you people?!" In my defense, I really didn't know what was wrong with us people. I just started my dragon boating career, like, five seconds earlier.

Let me tell you, I felt like a dragon boating super star. For a rookie, I was pretty coordinated with our little drummer lady, and we won both races in which I was a participant. What I failed to do was keep my mouth shut. Literally. I think I swallowed Ashley River water. By around four o'clock, my intestinal situation was Code Red. Without going into gory detail, by the end of the day I was spewing Ashley River water from all orifices of my body. As if that wasn't bad enough, I had the mother of all migraines. I was prepared to die a lonely death in Charleston, SC. It. Was. Awful.

I was due to fly out on Sunday afternoon. Weak and disappointed, I drug myself out of bed at the arse-crack of dawn on Sunday morning, determined to salvage the weekend. I decided on the perfect loop around Charleston, ending at the airport: first, downtown Charleston (a little mental health shopping was called for, I think); second, Sticky Fingers for lunch (a big gamble, considering); third, an afternoon on the beach (a little more sun won't hurt a dehydrated and weak body, right?).

Sundays in downtown Charleston are...closed. Literally, nothing opens until mid-day sometime. Who knew? Window shopping isn't quite as therapeutic as one might think...and doesn't last quite as long as the real deal, either. With lunch still a few hours away, I took a stroll through my old stomping grounds at College of Charleston. It really was lovely and quiet, and just what my intestines needed. I really love the campus, the buildings, the sculptures. I've always had an affinity for the torso sculpture, and on this day he made me especially happy. I think he reminds me a little of me.

And we're full circle. Lunch at Sticky Fingers was equally as satisfying as my stroll downtown, as was my walk along the beach at Isle of Palms. (This time I was sure to keep my mouth closed tight.) After a few hours lounging on the beach attempting to read my book club selection (I'm sorry, Picoult, you suck), I ventured to the airport for my return flight to Baltimore.

The flight was delayed three hours due to storms in Baltimore. Of course.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I earned two A's and a B+ this semester. The B+ had nothing to do with my weekend getaway, incidentally, but everything to do with how adorable my genetics professor was. He had an uncanny ability to get me googly-eyed over his termite research, what can I say?

An Ode to A/G

Welcome to my photographic journey through New York City.

The key to a good NYC trip is to have no plan whatsoever. Ideally, you will take a bus trip that departs at the arse-crack of dawn. You will, of course, show up at the very moment the odoriferous bus driver is prepared to close the door and leave your sorry butt behind. This man is large and in charge, and none-too-happy that you decided to roll in at your leisure. As punishment, you are assigned seats behind an uber-enthusiastic family of five, who are indubitably on their first trip to the Big Apple. And oh boy are they excited.

And weird.

What was your first clue that the Eager Beavers weren't your average Joes? Was it grandpa sticking his finger knuckle-deep into his nose the entire three and a half hour bus ride? Or was it the way in which the youngest whipper-snapper fondled his bag o' peanuts? Perhaps the fact that said whipper-snapper was incessantly gnawing on the palm of his hand? No, no. 'Twas definitely grandma's enthusiastic desire to catch the Cash Cab...because, peering out the tinted charter bus window, she definitely felt this was a realistic possibility.


With no plan in place and nearly four hours listening to the Eager Beavers, you seek out the nearest Starbucks. Seriously, what did we do before the Find a Starbucks app? (How spoiled yuppy of me.) As you wander in the general direction of your lunchtime destination, you stumble upon these beauts. Oh yes. You seriously consider buying them because, well, who doesn't need a pair of leather daisy dukes?!

With your next club outfit in hand, you meander southward. What's this? Lighthouse Marketplace, Fesitval of Shoes?! Yes, please. Mommy looooves her shoes.

Okay, so as it turns out, you need to get your sight checked. You've stumbled upon the Festival of Shops, not shoes. Nonetheless, you're pretty stoked to go shopping in church, and so you spring for a new Kangol.

Okay, so I don't even know how to make this picture relevant to this blog, but it made me happy...so here it is. There is apparently a contest in NYC for 100-year old microorganisms. What's not to love about that?


Your lunchtime destination, and the only thing officially on the agenda, is a Jewish deli. Surely your surrogate Jewish mother will be so proud that you've just trekked two hours through New York streets to partake in a $15 brisket sandwich. De-lish.

With your belly full and your time in NYC winding down, you brave the subway system back to the assigned pickup location. With time to spare, you duck into a novelty shop. Eureka! You can't decide whether to snag the bobble head leg lamp or the bobble head Ralphie (because, let's face it, they're both sa-weeet), so you buy both. Psych! In this shop, there's no buying anything...the check out lady decided to nap on the job. Sayonara, suckers!

So it goes. You've survived your unscripted journey through NYC. Whether it was the fifteen miles you've walked getting basically nowhere, or the thought of what the Eager Beavers had in store for the ride home, you dive into the best $8 beer you've ever had.




I'm neurotic today because...
...I pay to ride smelly buses that depart at pre-coffee hours with obnoxious people to ridiculously expensive cities. And love it.

Don't Call It a Comeback

This, my 18th semester of college, has been the most validating time of my academic career. Just tonight, my Advanced Writing professor pumped some exceptional sunshine up my booty.

My most recent paper, Women and HIV: Unequal Access to Health Care, was a "definitive A". But more than the grade, I was overwhelmed by her interest in my future graduate studies. She asked me if I planned a career in writing. A career in writing! When I told her I was looking into Johns Hopkins School of Public Health, she emphatically encouraged me to "absolutely pursue it."

I understand your lack of enthusiasm. I do. Perhaps an academic ego boost isn't your idea of exciting. But I'm a nerd, so this is pretty much it for me.

So, with my professor's blessing, I've returned to my blog. Well, that and the fact that I pretend you are all my groupies and you're actually jumping up and down with excitement. This is what nerds without husbands do. Don't judge. (Idea: start a support group called Nerds Without Husbands.)

I'm neurotic today because...
...all the sunshine-pumping in the world won't give me enough chutzpah to talk to my genetics professor, with whom I'm currently in love.

My DST Discombobulation

I stared anxiously at the bus stop through the front kitchen window this morning, contemplating one simple thing: what the heck time is it?

For a solid five minutes, I debated with myself. Fall back, spring forward. Right? Wait, am I right?

I inspected the microwave and stove clocks. Both read nearly 9am.
(We lost power last week. Did I reset the time correctly?)

I studied my wristwatch. Analog shows almost 9am. Digital, 8am.
(Ah. This is where reading the instructions on synchronizing time would have been useful.)

I referenced the grandfather clock on the living room wall. 12:20. (Did I add AA batteries to the grocery list?)

I checked the Droid. (What am I talking about? I hate this phone. I can't trust this piece of crap.)

I continued to doubt myself until, finally, I saw little munchkins meandering toward the bus stop. Phew. Fall back. Definitely fall back.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I've become useless before my morning coffee.

Bah Humbug, Or Something Like That

I would like to post the following sign around my neighborhood:

Dear Sh!thead who dumped my entire bowl of candy into his pillow case on Halloween, please trick-or-treat at my house again next year. I have a surprise for you.

(It's not cursing if you use punctuation in place of letters.)

Maybe it was the afternoon I spent at John Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity (or Stephen Colbert's Rally to Keep Fear Alive, depending on which way you swing), but I've decided that I'm definitely pro-signage and/or homemade t-shirt. In fact, I'm thinking of carrying a few signs of my own, picketer-style, during trick-or-treat next year. Here are some of my ideas:

Promiscuous is not a costume.

Or, for the little ones:

Slow down, you greedy little bastard. The candy isn't going anywhere.

Before you yell at me for cursing (twice), just breathe. Of course I'm not talking about your kid. I'm sure your kid was smartly dressed and polite.

I'm neurotic today because...

...despite rallying with Team Sanity a day earlier, I nearly lost my marbles dealing with the hundred or so trick-or-treaters that bombarded my neighborhood. That is, until we found the house dishing out adult treats. Grand marnier, anyone?

I'm Calling Out Crazy

When I ask for 'extra cheese, please', that means I would like more cheese, please, not for you to sprinkle the same amount of cheese more slowly. In case you haven't noticed, I'm white. Pasty, in fact. And if there is one thing white, pasty people like, it's cheese. It goes with our whine. I mean, wine.

I strongly believe in mental health days. I think they should be worked into benefit packages separately from vacation and sick days. Additionally, you should not have to schedule them or give notice when you decide to take one. If I spill my coffee in my lap on the way to work, I want to turn the buggy around and go back to bed. If I want Quizno's for lunch and drive all the way there to find out they've closed down, I should be able to call it a day and go home. If I randomly get cursed out via voicemail for reasons unbeknownst to me, I don't want to play anymore. I should have the freedom to take my ball and go home.

I should probably be kept away from small children today. Or anything fragile. Or anyone remotely chipper.

I'm neurotic today because...
...I'm hungry and sleep deprived, 'nough said.

What Happens In Vegas (I Barely Remember)

Five blog posts in September. I'm ashamed of myself. I blame it on Vegas. From now on, I'm blaming everything on Vegas because that place is frickin' nuts.

So, flying across country takes a long time. Were you aware that there is absolutely nothing to look at between here and Nevada? Middle America is pretty much a series of green squares and brown circles. It's a good thing I brought my Netflix for the plane ride. Of the three movies I brought to watch, I randomly chose a flick that--unbeknownst to me--shamelessly displayed Christina Ricci's plump white breasts within the first five minutes. In retrospect, this was probably an appropriate precursor for Vegas, but at the time I blushed and slammed shut the computer screen.

Pay attention to movie ratings when intended for semi-public viewing. Lesson learned.

Speaking of breast-eses, I tweaked some nipples in Sin City. Yeah, I did. They were huge and concrete and bolted to the wall. It. Was. Awesome.

I also slept a total of five hours, give or take a nap, the entire four day trip. That was partly because no one in Vegas sleeps and partly because of Jill's snoring...but I can't blog about that or she's likely to write a scathing response about how I'm quite possibly the most difficult person, like, ever.

("Stop rushing me! I'm on vacation!"
"Yes, but it takes you for-freaking-ever to get ready!")

I should've blogged the day we returned because at this point it's all pretty much a blur of flashing lights and ding!ding!ding!'s. I know somewhere along the way we had a singing bathroom attendant. I wanted to be her friend. She sang the Happy Pee song and it made me smile as I hovered. Yes, I hovered. And walked. A lot. I'm not sure, even two weeks later, whether my feet will ever recover. My blisters had blisters had blisters.

Forsake style for comfort. Lesson learned.

I discovered something about myself in Vegas. I do not like to lose money. I don't like it one little bit. The morning of our second day, I escaped the sound of the lumberjack to grab some coffee. I naively thought I could sneak down through the casino to the Starbucks in my sweatpants without being detected by anyone. What a sweet, silly, small town girl I am. No one in the casino had even retired for the evening. Not only were the women still dressed to the nines, nearly everyone still had a cocktail in their hand. Nonetheless, I grabbed my coffee and poked around the casino. When I stumbled across a Sex and the City slot machine, I thought, cool, I'll kill an hour or two until I can wakey-wakey you-know-who without her killing me. So, I inserted a $20 bill--it was the only denomination I had in my wallet--and approximately 30 seconds later, it was gone. Gone, I say! I was hoping to at least grab a free beer, but no!

30 seconds, twenty dollars, no beer. Lesson learned.

Everything else that happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Well, okay, I'll share this one last pearl with you: "Ayyy ay ay, mami. I'ma workeen weeth ten eeenches!" Oh, dear sweet Mexican nudey card flipper, you will always hold a special place in my heart.

I'm neurotic today because...
...like the diligent student I am, I used my backpack as carry-on luggage so I could complete work during flight. Consequently, I was punished by the casino gods and somewhere between here and Las Vegas Boulevard lies my copy of Mountains Beyond Mountains, complete with presentation notes sure to earn someone an A.
No work on vacation. Lesson learned.

The Grotto for Feminine Rumination

Check out my lunchtime find: Mommy's Time Out Pinot Grigio. Brilliant! I don't care if it tastes like mud, that label makes me happy. I don't even know if the bottle will fit into the she-cave's mini-fridge, but I bought it anyway. (Don't question why I was at the liquor store over lunch, mkay?)

I love my she-cave (otherwise known as the loft above the master bedroom). It's what I imagine most of you had as a college dorm, but more mature. In which case, maybe I should refer to it as the Grotto for Feminine Rumination. The GFR, if you will. It contains within three walls and a railing, nearly everything that makes me happy. The mini-fridge stocked with Amstel Light and/or Sam Adams Seasonal. The life sized cardboard cutout of Forrest Griffin. The collection of concert memorabilia and albums. The comfy oversized chair positioned at just the right angle to the television so as to avoid window glare. The [dusty] exercise equipment. The bookshelf lined with biology textbooks. The laptop/second monitor setup that allows me to be social and work.

Did I say more mature?

It is unfortunate that in recent weeks I've been forced to abandon the GFR. By the end of a typical weekday, I have only enough energy to make it up the first flight of stairs and into my bed. It is in light of my lunchtime discovery, however, that I've penciled into the pocket calendar some weekend GFR time. Well, that and Netflix may soon send Guido to repossess the unwatched discs I've had sitting on my desk for the past month.

I'm neurotic today because...
...in lieu of quality GFR time, I've created a makeshift lunchtime she-cave in the back of my Murano. Please note: the upside to never cleaning out the back of your SUV is that you have everything you need to make yourself comfortable in emergencies and/or moments of Please-Just-Leave-Me-The-Hell-Alone. Don't worry about the odd stares of passersby. They're just jealous they didn't think of it. Or so I tell myself. (Don't judge--I breathe toenail dust for a living.)