I'll sleep when I'm dead

I'm a grade-A insomniac. I know, I know. It shocks most people. My mother says it's because I have too much on my mind. I think it's because I'm a genius. (huh?)

Over the years, I've devised all sorts of tactics to combat my 9pm second wind. I've been forced take measures beyond the usual not watching television, limiting caffeine intake, and using my bed for sleep only. (Yes, sleep only.)

The first step in a good night of shut-eye is proper pillow alignment: two down feather pillows cradling my noggin, two foam pillows at a 45-degree angle supporting my trapezius muscles, and one final pillow tucked gently under my knees. If I'm feeling saucy, I'll flip to my side and go with the alternative pillow-between-the-knees method.

Secondly, fan speed to bed covering ratio is key. (An aside: I scoff at you, flat sheet non-user. Sheets are sold in a set for a reason, you lunatic.) One cannot risk overheating mid-slumber, so current conditions should be assessed prior to determining your breeze-blanket ratio. These factors include, but are not limited to, outside temperature, time of sunrise, and efficiency of your heating/cooling unit. I find that during summer months, setting the ceiling fan to medium speed, covering from the armpits-down with the flat sheet/down comforter combination, and placing the thermostat to a cool 68 degrees allows for optimal sleeping conditions.

After all variables have been addressed, I slide into bed and close my reluctant eyes. In recent years, I've taken to wearing a sleep mask to bed. This has proven to be an abounding source of mockery at sleepovers, but I don't care. I never leave home without my eye covering. (It certainly beats my old method of sleeping with a pillow over my head.) Now that I have been properly cooled, blanketed, propped, and blindfolded, it's off to la-la land.

Or not.

I'm neurotic today because...
....I don't count sheep, I count the minutes until I can get up again.