I'm fairly certain I passed anatomy class

How, exactly, does having a penis make you better at fixing a garbage disposal?

Just wondering. It seems that because I lack one, I am an idiot and cannot determine whether a household appliance is broken. 'Just tighten the bolt around the sink-pipe joint', the landlord says. Really? Are these technical terms? And is this the plan for addressing a garbage disposal that not only stinks to all high heaven, but also leaks water profusely every time the switch is flipped? 'I've done that', I reply. 'Well don't you have a man that could come around and look at it for you?'

Um, did he really just say that to me?

Flash back with me for a hot second. When I first moved into this house, I discovered quickly that I didn't need an alarm clock to wake up at the arse-crack of dawn. Five-thirty a.m. is apparently prime sharpening-the-nails-on-the side-of-the-house time for squirrels. Let me do the math for you: pre-dawn light + furry tailed rodents that I hate with a fiery passion x the most annoying sound on the face of the earth = a Sheila spazz out the likes of which you have rarely seen.

After about a week of wanting to rip through the dry wall and take a hammer to their little rat heads, I contacted the landlord. I thought it might be nice for him to know the side of his house was being gnawed to pieces. Silly me. Silly, silly woman. Not only was he not concerned, he didn't believe me: 'I told my wife, poor Sheila. She's over there all alone and she's probably just scared.'

Long story short, the squirrels tore out the entire rear soffit and a large portion of the plywood under the roof. But it took me months to convince this d-bag that I wasn't crazy or scared. So I ask again, how does a penis make you more capable of....anything?

I'm neurotic today because...
...I missed the day in anatomy where it was taught that the brain bone is connected to the penis bone.